Without Losing

I long for the fabric hanging
the feeling could only be described
as effervescent, like, for once, I had
truly beat
something
I experience these moments
in which
I imagine taking
a scalpel, no a razor, no a butcher – no a scoop,
Yes- like an, I do not want to say the words ice cream
For the thought itself is frightening
but taking an ice cream scoop
one which has been sharpened and made
piercing
taking the scoop
and flattening
it to the point that it is less of a half sphere
and more of an elongated tool
-I am sure medical practitioner’s have a name for such a device
though it is only a feeling –
taking the scoop and
running it along my pale skin
or else under my skin
watching the layers or the ripples, the folds, the creases
diminish
pushing it against my arms and legs and dragging
so that all that is
left is bone and muscle
each ounce of it ___
dispelled
pushed out
carved away from
leaving nothing but
taught
and tight
and sculpted
Perfection
without flaw
without error
without feeling

8/28/11

87 lbs and this all bears repeating

is depression like catch 22?
like if you can analytically articulate the signs and explain the feelings
and somewhat place where the hopelessness comes from
then you don't really have it?
pills don't solve everything do they?

isn't it funny how certain songs somehow admit a kind of factuality?
Like The Beatles "All You Need Is Love" I listened to that today and as the chorus repeated...I was like yeah yeah love is all you need.

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something else.
everyone is recovering from something. everyone is growing or processing or deciding something. going through a journey. coming to an ending. finding another/ a new beginning. thinking i would get to a place or a plateau or a time where i could begin certain things because other things were taken care of was misdirected. I'm seeing that now, I'm seeing the value in starting every day and finishing every day with a genuine honesty. The value in being who i am.

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sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep